Mother’s Day :: Cleaning As Communion

Posted in Random Thoughts
Me, Mom, & Dad at the Grove House on Cousin’s Island, ME circa 1972

I hate Mother’s Day. I am a mother. But in my heart I’m still a daughter.

I don’t know at what point will Mother’s Day be more about me, and less about my Mom. Maybe never. She’s been gone for almost 13 years, you would think it gets easier. And, I guess it is. I can still remember my first Mother’s Day as a mom. We had brunch at Harry Browne’s with my parents and sister, who is celebrating today not only Mother’s Day, but her 16th anniversary as a mother. It was a wonderful celebration, and I was so happy.

Shortly after her death, I read a book called Motherless Mothers, which helped? I think the feeling of not being able to ask questions about how to mother is a universal frustration. As we are in the thick of the teenage years, I want to apologize for all of the stupid things I did, and all of the heartache I caused. And how did you survive without killing me?

Things got much better once I pulled my head out of my ass and got my act together. We became friends. A dear friend laughs about the fact that “I’m always right,” but I come by it honestly. And it drove me crazy at the time. There was a certain way to do things, a way to treat people, a way to carry yourself and interact with others. It drove me batshit crazy. “Can’t you just let me be me?” I would ask in frustration.

And now I’m her. I say those things that I swore I would never say to my child. I would understand what it’s like to be a teen, and be a better mother. Now only to realize how awesome she was. 

Is.

Seriously, I can still hear her in my head, “May-Rhee Gib-Son, I can’t believe you’re going to [fill in the blank.]” And I stop doing it. If I can nag Ian from beyond the grave, I will consider myself a success.

So today I clean. Just the way she taught me. And in that process I get to share a little time with her on this day where I’m a little sad.

So a special shoutout to everyone today. Those celebrating moms, those being celebrated, those who can’t be moms, those who choose not to be moms, those who have lost a child, those who are going to be moms. We’re all in this together, whether we realize it or not.